This is the belief I carried most of my life until I discovered the guidance, support, nourishment , protection and fierce love right here inside my own body,
My back reveals the story of all the times she lay in fetal position and desperately wished for someone to wrap their body around her and tell her she’d be okay. This was by far by biggest fantasy throughout my life, to feel fully held in the agony of being human. I craved the feeling of complete surrender and safety in the warm, presence of another. As if there body could create a human cocoon around mine insulating me from the world and softening the pain I carried.
Because I had very little relational skills for this kind of intimacy I found another way. I want to preface this by saying that I am brilliant and resilient (as are you) in our ability to get our needs met in whatever ways we can.
Sex became a way of getting my need to be held met. If I wanted to be spooned then I had to be forked.
It was both brilliance and betrayal wrapped in one. Did I have my back? Or not?
Was I helping myself or hurting myself? Can it be both/and?
I go back and forth. Somedays I sit in reverence for the ways I adapted, met my need for touch and quenched my mother hunger. Somedays I feel sick thinking of the ways I allowed entry to my body by those who I wouldn’t even let care for my dogs now. Somedays I forget all about it because I have come so far and found a love within myself and with my husband.
Back to my back and all the ways she never learned to stand up for herself.
Instead I learned to shapeshift and become who others needed me to be.
Bending, twisting and curving in desperate search for love.
While sitting with my back for this project, she said "where were you?"
And all I could do was climb into child's pose and hold myself assuring her, "I'm here now."
I have made so many choices throughout why life that have hurt me.
And, I choose to look back with eyes of love and so much forgiveness.