Writing my first book was easy compared to readying myself to let others see inside. It took me nine weeks to write my book and it’s been another nine weeks to process and prepare to share my words with the world. My E-book, Can I Really Take Space from my Mother: A guilt free guide to creating boundaries with your mother, will be available on Amazon on October 15th! My book reflects my journey to heal my own relationship with my mother which in our culture is seen as an off-limits topic to discuss. It’s my hope that my book empowers you to examine your own relationship with your mother and the beliefs you inherited. As a mother, I want to be really clear that my goal is not to blame mothers. My goal is to remove the stigma from this topic so we have honest conversations about codependency, pain and shame in family systems.
I’d known for a long time that there was a book inside me waiting to be birthed. When the book finally revealed itself to me, I was terrified. I wanted to write about something else, something less controversial but this is what needed to be shared. My book is a love letter to the daughters in the world who think they are alone in their struggles with their mothers. My book is also an invitation and guide to healing.
Our relationship with ourselves is often a reflection of our relationship with our mother. Are you gentle and loving with yourself? Do you accept yourself as you are? Do you trust yourself? Do you have a hard time saying no? Are you hard on yourself? Do you get caught in the “never enough” trap? Do you encourage yourself with positive affirmations? Do you love your body? Do you prioritize your needs and your happiness?
As children we expertly adapt to our environments. We abandon who we are authentically in favor of playing a role. I became the “good girl” which required me to conceal my needs, hide my feelings and pretend to be self-sufficient. I was the child no one ever had to “worry about”. Trying to be the perfect daughter created so much pressure, perfectionism and anxiety. As a little girl all I wanted was to make my mommy’s life easier. I lost myself in the process. My story is not unique. This happens in households across the world. Daughters become who they think they should be instead of embracing who they are.
We internalize our mothers voice and her beliefs inside our head so much so that we believe what we hear and feel is our own. My decision to create a firm boundary with my mother gave me the space to discern who I am separate from her.
I’ve chose to dedicate my book to my daughters and to my mother. My daughters once existed as eggs inside my body inside the womb of my mother. They carry an imprint of her and of me just as I carry an imprint of my mother and my grandmother. This imprint carries both intergenerational pain and intergenerational wisdom. We have to heal the pain to find the wisdom. My book will help you mine for the gold that lives inside you.
In my book I share small pieces of my journey with you so that you can see the wisdom I have found in my own wounds and begin to believe that your own wounds hold far more than pain. I also share a process that I took myself through to shift from resentment to contentment. I used to spend so much energy relating to my mother from fear and anger. This consumed me and often kept me from focusing on the parts of my mother that live inside me. These are the parts that need our attention.
Many of us weren’t mothered in the ways we needed. We have to GET TO do this for ourselves. This is how you remember and reconnect with who you truly are beyond the roles you play. This is how you discover the freedom you’ve been searching for. This is how we break the cycles in our family. This is how we create compassion for ourselves and our mothers.
I hope my book can help you in this process. I’m also available to guide you if you need support. Sign up for your free connection call today!