I hope this finds you feeling really grounded and nourished. If it doesn’t, that's probably because our culture really doesn’t support women to feel good from the inside out.
And because very few of us were taught how to get our needs met or even that our needs mattered.
Let’s begin with some truth because whoever said that "if someone loves you they'll know what you need" was LYING. It’s so unrealistic to think that someone else can know what we need when so often we don’t know what we need.
Below I break down the 4-step process to getting your needs met but first a story that shows how this plays out in real-time.
Last week I had a tech meltdown. Nothing would work. I felt overwhelmed. I felt dumb. I felt victim-y. “This always/only happens to me.” I was dysregulated. Because I'm human (let's normalize this.)
My husband, being the loving partner that he is, came in to offer support. His preferred methods are fixing and/or words of affirmation. I didn’t need either.
I told him so. Instead, I asked him to stay there with me in the discomfort I was experiencing and simply BE with me. I needed co-regulation. This required human contact and loving presence.
As he stayed with me I felt my nervous system begin to settle and my negative self-directed thoughts begin to melt away.
Earlier in my life I didn’t have the awareness, courage for confidence to ask for what I needed. I would’ve told myself I should be grateful for his help or that maybe he knew better what I needed. This is so common for us women because we are taught that we should be grateful for what we have and that wanting something more or different is selfish. IT’S NOT!
Had I not been more clear, we would've argued since my need and his response didn't align. This kept us stuck in a pattern for a very long time of me feeling like he wasn't there for me and him feeling unappreciated. Who can relate?
Now for the magic...self-mothering changes how we relate to our needs. First, we reclaim our right to have needs (a lot of needs). This requires releasing the false belief that having needs is a sign of weakness. Needs are a sign of life. Next, comes learning to know and respond to your needs with the loving attention you deserve.
Here’s a simple (not easy) 4-step process that most of us never learned.
➊ Tune into your body, listen to the messages.
➋ Identify your momentary need (cause they change on the regular)
➌ Identify the response/action that will satisfy your need
➍ Either give this to yourself or ask for help because you don’t have to do it all on your own.
This week give yourself permission to ask for exactly what you want and to be as specific as possible.
You deserve to feel good from the inside out and your needs matter.
with fierce softness,